Well, we all know the law's an ass … or is it "arse"?
… yes … it's definitely "arse".
Here's why …
• In 2004, Timothy Dumouchel, from Fond du Lac, Wisconsin sued a television company for making his wife fat and transforming his children into "lazy channel surfers". He said "I believe the reason I smoke and drink every day and my wife is overweight is because we watched the TV every day for the last four years". The case kept at least two of America's 1,058,662 lawyers occupied for a while, but did not go to the Supreme Court.
• In 2005, a Brazilian woman sued her partner for failing to give her orgasms. The 31-year old woman from Jundiai asserted in her case that her 38-year old partner routinely ended sexual intercourse after he reached an orgasm. After a promising start the action ended in something of an anticlimax for the claimant when her case was rejected.
• In 2004, a German lawyer, Dr Juergen Graefe, acted for an elderly pensioner from St Augustin, near Bonn, who was sent a tax demand for €287 million, even though the woman's income was only €17,000. Dr Graefe fixed the problem with one standard letter to the authorities, but as German law entitles him to calculate his fee based on the amount of the reduction he obtained, his fee came to €440,234 (£308,000). It will be met by the state. There is no evidence that he pushed his luck by writing a thank-you letter.
• In 1972, at Wakefield Crown Court in Yorkshire, Reginald Sedgwick was prosecuted for stealing Cleckheaton railway station. The defendant, a demolition contractor, was alleged to have destroyed the disused stone building and cleared the site of 24 tons of track with dishonest intentions. He admitted the deed, explained that it was done for an untraced third party, and his lawyer demolished the prosecution's case, securing an acquittal.
• In 2005, the Massachusetts Appeals Court was asked to rule on when a sexual technique was dangerous. Early one morning, a man and woman in a long-term relationship were engaged in consensual intercourse. During the passionate event, and, without the man's consent, the woman suddenly manoeuvred herself in a way that caused him to suffer a penile fracture. Emergency surgery was required. The court ruled that while "reckless" sexual conduct may be actionable, "merely negligent" conduct was not. It dismissed the man's case.
• In 2005, Marina Bai, a Russian astrologer, sued NASA for £165 million for "disrupting the balance of the universe". She claimed that the space agency's Deep Impact space probe, which was due to hit a comet later that year to harvest material from the explosion, was a "terrorist act". A Moscow court ruled that it was within Russian jurisdiction to hear the case, but rejected the claim itself.
• In 2007, a court in India was asked to decide whether a vibrating condom is a contraceptive or a sex toy. The condoms contain a battery-operated device, and, for the avoidance of doubt, are marketed as "Crezendo". Opponents argue it's a sex toy and thus unlawful in India, whereas the manufacturer says it's a contraceptive and promotional of public health.
• In 2006, a young man from Jiaxing, near Shanghai, found himself in legal trouble after failing to take advice before putting his soul up for sale on an online auction site. The posting was eventually removed by the auctioneer and the seller was told that the advert would be reinstated only if he could produce written permission to sell his soul from "a higher authority".
• In 2004, Frank D'Alessandro, a court official in New York, sued the city for serious injuries that he sustained when a toilet he was sitting on exploded leaving him in a pile of porcelain. He claimed $5 million compensation. Reflecting on the demanding physical therapy in which he must now engage every morning before work, D'Alessandro declared "It's a pain in the ass to do all this stuff."
• A Las Vegas law prohibiting strippers from fondling customers during lap dances was ruled by the Nevada Supreme Court in 2006 to be valid. The issue was whether the local law was unconstitutionally vague and therefore unenforceable. The law states that "no attendant or server shall fondle or caress any patron" with intent to arouse him. Lawyers discussed at length whether grinding (of dancers' bottoms into men's laps) amounted to a fondle or caress, and whether the brushing of breast into patrons' faces was prohibited conduct. The local law was declared valid because the court thought enforcers would be able to know a fondle or caress if they saw one.
• In 1964, the Exchequer Court of Canada was asked to decide whether the expenses of running a "call girl" business in Vancouver were deductible from gross income for the purposes of income tax. The madam and seven call girls were all convicted and imprisoned. And then taxed. Claims for tax deductions in respect of the ordinary parts of the business, such as phone bills, were allowed. Other types of expenses were disallowed because the business couldn't prove them with receipts, including $2000 for liquor for local officials and $1000 paid to "certain men possessed of physical strength and some guile, which they exercised when set to extricate a girl from difficulties".
• In a notorious case heard by Baron Huddleston in November 1884, Captain Thomas Dudley and Edwin Stephens were prosecuted for the murder of a cabin boy, Richard Parker. When the yacht they were sailing from Southampton to Sydney capsized, they found themselves on a dinghy 1,600 miles from shore. After 20 days adrift, they killed Parker, eating his liver and drinking his blood to survive. They were rescued four days later by a German vessel and were convicted of murder at Exeter Assizes, although their death sentences were later commuted to six months imprisonment without hard labour. Their defence of "necessity" was rejected.
• Cathy McGowan, 26, was overjoyed when a DJ on Radio Buxton told her that she had correctly answered a quiz question and had won the competition prize: a Renault Clio. Ecstasy collapsed into despair, however, when she arrived at the radio station and was presented with a 4-inch model of the car. In 2001, she sued and a judge at Derby County Court ruled that the now defunct station in Derbyshire had entered into a legally binding contract with Miss McGowan and ordered its owners to pay £8,000 for the real vehicle.
• In 2005, Pavel M., a Romanian prisoner serving 20 years for murder, sued God, founding his claim in contract. He argued that his baptism was an agreement between him and God under which, in exchange for value such as prayer, God would keep him out of trouble.
• In May, 2004 in Connecticut, Heather Specyalski was charged with the homicide of Neil Esposito. He was thrown from a car that prosecutors said was being driven by Specyalski when it spun out of control and crashed. The defendant argued that she couldn't have been driving because she was in the passenger seat performing oral sex on Esposito, whom she alleged was at the wheel. Esposito was found with his trousers down but prosecutors argue this could have been because he was "mooning" or urinating out of the car window while in the passenger seat. The jury acquitted Specyalski of manslaughter, sparing her a possible 25-year prison sentence.
• Sentencing a young woman at the Magistrates' Court in Port Adelaide, Australia, in 2003, a magistrate said:
"You're a druggie and you'll die in the gutter. That's your choice... I don't believe in that social worker crap. You abuse your mother and cause her pain. You can choose to be who you are. You can go to work. Seven million of us do it whilst fourteen million like you sit at home watching Days of Our Lives smoking your crack pipes and using needles and I'm sick of you sucking us dry".
He then concluded "It's your choice to be a junkie and die in the gutter. No one gives a shit, but you're going to kill that woman who is your mother, damn you to death."
He gave the woman a prison sentence, unaware that that was unlawful in the type of case in question. Her appeal was successful.
• In 1874, Francis Evans Cornish, while acting as a magistrate in Winnipeg, Canada, had to try himself on a charge of being drunk in public. He convicted himself and fined himself five dollars with costs. But then he stated for the record "Francis Evans Cornish, taking into consideration past good behaviour, your fine is remitted".
• In 1980, Lord Justice Ormrod, Lord Justice Dunn and Mr Justice Arnold ruled in the UK's Court of Appeal that a wife from Basingstoke who rationed sex with her husband to once a week was behaving reasonably. Lord Hailsham later revealed that the ruling had provoked some newspapers to try to interview the wives of all the judges in the case.
• A father from Zhengzhou, in China, was refused legal permission to name his son "@" after the keyboard character. Permission was declined on the legal basis that all names must be capable of being translated into Mandarin.
• In September, 2004, Judge A K M Patabendige, in Walasmulla, Sri Lanka, jailed a man for a year for yawning in court. N V P Ajith, a defendant in a criminal case, stretched out and yawned in a way that so infuriated the judge, the punishment for contempt was immediate.
Then there are these absurd laws from various places round the world …
• It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.
• It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (erm … what's the punishment, exactly? - GOS)
• It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.
• In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.
• Under the UK's Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don't want him to know, though you don't have to tell him anything you don't mind him knowing.
• In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.
• In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.
• Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.
• In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants - even, if she so requests, in a policeman's helmet.
• In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.
• In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.
• In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.
• In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.
• In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.
• In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.
• In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.
• In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.
• In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.
• In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.
• In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.
• In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to kill a bird within the city limits and also to "own" a pet - the town's citizens, legally speaking, are merely "pet minders".
• In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
• In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.
• In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror.
• The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King. The tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.
Some of these are probably apocryphal. The following definitely aren't …
• It's illegal to be poor in England. Pensioner and ex-soldier Richard Fitzmaurice has an income of just £8,406 a year. King's Lynn and West Norfolk Borough Council want nearly 20% of it in council tax. When he refused to pay they took him to court. The only punishment available to the magistrates in cases of non-payment of council tax is prison, so they sentenced him to 32 days and he was led from the dock - in handcuffs, like the dangerous criminal he is.
Councillor John Dobson justified this cruel and unusual punishment with a piece of unashamedly macho posturing: "Mr.Fitzmaurice has picked a fight with the wrong people".
Wow, Councillor Dobson, we're so impressed. How hard are you?
• It's illegal to defend yourself from attack in England. Liam Kilroe, a hardened criminal with a string of offences behind him including assault and at least five armed robberies, attacked shopkeeper Tony Singh as he got out of his car, and tried to steal the day's takings. He stabbed Tony Singh with a knife, but as the two struggled he was himself wounded, and staggered away to die on the pavement a few yards away.
Kilroe was on the run at the time, after being charged with two more robberies.
Police called to the scene found Mr Singh in a state of shock, still sitting in his car and nursing serious knife wounds to his back, face and neck.
So they arrested him. He is now waiting to see if he will be charged with murder, a charge which carries a life sentence. Apparently he should have just allowed the thug to stab him like a good little victim.
Bastards.
either on this site or on the World Wide Web.
Copyright © 2008 The GOS
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